Tonight. Take 2 in a row. Motivated. Vagina much more open. Learned parts of my vagina that feel more pleasurable to touch than others (and I don't mean the clitoris, but other areas, not as obvious.) . Learning how MY vagina will like being touched. After all, we are each unique.
Tonight I pushed the end of my finger into my vagina. The entrance was a bit dry since I had been doing my kegel exercises and parting the lips of my vagina as I usually do to warm up. This dryness would have made pushing any further in, very uncomfortable, which might have made controlling my muscles impossible. So just the end of my finger is a start and a very good one. Penetration in any small way is a big way for my vagina.
More exploration inside. Uncomfortable because of dryness around entrance. Feels stuck as if parts would get pushed inward if I continued. The inside of my vagina feels bumpy like craters. It can hurt if I go to fast and hit one of the bumps suddenly.
Another step toward healthy thinking and body contact. Tonight I thought to my vagina, "I don't want you to just tolerate being touched, I want you to enjoy it." Learning how to enjoy the act of the inside of my body being touched. It is so intimate. No wonder it is difficult. I have trouble allowing people to touch the outside of my body, let alone the tender insides. But if I do things in trust and openness myself.... If I am not only willing to wait for a partner who respects my sexual wishes, wants and needs, but also if I will stand up for my own needs and wants. But before I let anyone else touch inside there I must let myself learn first.