Just finished doing my first round of kegel exercises. I started by setting up my mirror and flashlight (which I prefer to the bright overhead light), sometimes I looked, sometimes I didn’t. I had just showered which made things more comfortable because of the moisture making it slippery. I started by parting and releasing the lips of my vagina with my fingers. I was aiming for 10 times opening and closing them, but only got to 7 since I began to experience mild discomfort. I want to avoid that for the most part, because I think causing negative sensations will just reinforce what already exists with my vaginismus. Instead I must listen to my body. It will tell me how much it can take at one time. I then did my actual kegel muscle. I tightened the muscles fully and then released them as much as possible. I did that about 10 times. The first half I watched and actually saw movement on the outside, especially between my anus and vagina (which appeared to get smaller and pull inward). This is a very powerful spot. I then closed my eyes and really tried to focus on how things felt. That will be all for tonight. I am pleased and proud. I want to celebrate each step of triumph.
Tonight I did 20 kegel tightenings and managed to open the lips of my vagina 8 times. I’ve noticed how much more comfortable this is when I first start, I think because it is moist. As it dries up it gets uncomfortable. I really tried to focus on making sure all my muscles were relaxed enough to make do. I guess that is the purpose in these exercises, so I’m on the right track.
I just thought to myself….how did you ever manage to have sex? How did you force your not ready vagina all those years ago? I was in a rush in my last relationship. I knew I had vaginismus and I worked hard to “get rid of it” as quick as possible. While it worked in the one way, it failed at true healing. I realized this as I was doing my exercises. It is getting more comfortable to pull the lips apart into this kind of “prep” for penetration position, but when my finger touched the hole’s entranceway I immediately felt discomfort. Like a slight burning sensation. It was nothing extreme, but I can’t begin sex from that sensation. I must show my body that it can be touched down there without losing control. It needs to get used to it and right now is assumes something more is coming immediately. No wonder getting fingered was always painful for me. Also I noticed that if I don’t take my time with my clenching and relaxing I don’t do either to their fullest. I need to make sure to tighten and relax completely to gain control of the muscles, even if that means taking more time.
More physical healing….pulling my lips apart was easier tonight. Getting the muscles to relax was difficult at first, they only did it halfway. I had to think of going to the bathroom and that seemed to really help. I noticed that I have more of an urge to scratch and feel around my vagina. It feels better than ever before, because I am not at all rushing or pushing, but just taking it very slow. The pressure is off and that really helps.
I am really happy with the work I have done so far. It is also doing some interesting things to my outward sexual energy and emotional state at times, which I am examining further in therapy and will update you on soon. Re-reading my entries has also helped me to see emerging patterns that I might not have noticed otherwise.
Remember tat these physical check-ins are specifically my own experience. Things will be different for everyone. Feel free to reach out to me with questions, stories, or doubts. mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com