Today I did what I was not sure would ever actually happen, I went to my first professional therapy session.
MAKING THE CALL
I can honestly say that I have been seriously considering seeking professional help for over four years now for many different reasons, a wish that pre-dates my diagnoses with vaginismus by over a year. Even though I knew this is what I wanted and needed, it did not make the initial step of calling to set up an appointment any easier.
So why didn’t I before? For one I really don’t like dealing with the healthcare system. I never have. I was also unsure of what to expect and whether I would have the backing of my family and friends. But mostly I made excuses, because when I am happy in my life I experience extreme contentment and no longer see a need to get help, since I feel healthy. On the other hand, when I actually need help again, I do not have the strength to ask for it. And yet I know that my disorder will not go away on its own, and that I need to provide myself with the tools to get truly better. After all we all deserve that.
My disorder and the emotional toll it has caused on my body, life, and relationships needs more than just me to find a cure.
And so a week ago I called the number of a therapist in New York who was referred to me by another therapist friend of my mother’s. I was surprised to get her personal answering machine and suddenly realized I hadn’t thought out what exactly I wanted to say. I almost hung up without leaving a message, but luckily remembered that I then would have to go through the act of calling a second time. It was difficult not to cry from the awkwardness and anxiety of making this big leap. I got off the phone and broke down from the dual feeling of stress and relief.
Thankfully she returned my call just a short time later and didn’t seem phased at all by my message. We set up the appointment as a trial to see if we might work well together.
WHY THERAPY? WHY NOW?
I have decided to finally start now for a number of reasons that relate to my vaginismus. Reasons that I need help to fully comprehend.
THE APPOINTMENT
Riding up in the elevator today and then waiting at the door after ringing the bell I felt quite dorky and didn’t know exactly what to do with myself. This continued once in her office while I took off my back pack, coat, scarf, gloves, and hat with her waiting patiently. In the silence I wasn’t sure I would know how to begin speaking, but she started by asking me to explain how I had gotten her information and then whether I had any experience with therapy in the past.
Answer: I once tried to call a number in DC my mom had given me, but it turned out to be a clinic for eating disorders and the person was extremely dismissive on the phone. I then had an intake exam at my college, which resulted in nothing because after the two sessions they diagnosed me with mild bipolar, but said they actually weren’t able to give me a referral that would take my health insurance. I was informed that I would have to call my health insurance myself, making the whole process feel rather pointless. So I gave up.
This moved into how I found out about my vaginismus and into three of my past romantic relationships which are inevitably wrapped up in my disorder.
Answer: This is not a short one and will be covered in detail in upcoming blog entries.
Luckily my therapist has had a past patient with my disorder and I didn’t have to explain any logistics to her. Having to define a medical disorder to medical professionals has always felt very draining since I never feel that I have appropriately explained things, and in the best case scenario they interrogate me until they better understand, and in the worst case scenario they treat it all too lightly. I was relieved that I could avoid this scenario for once.
Overall I was surprised by just how easy this first session was. I guess that I have been waiting for the opportunity to open up in a judgement free place, since I had no trouble coming up with things to tell her.
For this session, and I assume for at least the next few, we focused mostly on communicating things about myself. The mere act of explaining these things (some of them from very long ago) to someone new, allowed me to reexamine them in a way that was nurturing and safe. It wasn’t easy and I feel pretty exhausted from the experience, but I also feel clearer and a little bit lighter. I have a hope that allows me to look forward to this journey.
MAKING THE CALL
I can honestly say that I have been seriously considering seeking professional help for over four years now for many different reasons, a wish that pre-dates my diagnoses with vaginismus by over a year. Even though I knew this is what I wanted and needed, it did not make the initial step of calling to set up an appointment any easier.
So why didn’t I before? For one I really don’t like dealing with the healthcare system. I never have. I was also unsure of what to expect and whether I would have the backing of my family and friends. But mostly I made excuses, because when I am happy in my life I experience extreme contentment and no longer see a need to get help, since I feel healthy. On the other hand, when I actually need help again, I do not have the strength to ask for it. And yet I know that my disorder will not go away on its own, and that I need to provide myself with the tools to get truly better. After all we all deserve that.
My disorder and the emotional toll it has caused on my body, life, and relationships needs more than just me to find a cure.
And so a week ago I called the number of a therapist in New York who was referred to me by another therapist friend of my mother’s. I was surprised to get her personal answering machine and suddenly realized I hadn’t thought out what exactly I wanted to say. I almost hung up without leaving a message, but luckily remembered that I then would have to go through the act of calling a second time. It was difficult not to cry from the awkwardness and anxiety of making this big leap. I got off the phone and broke down from the dual feeling of stress and relief.
Thankfully she returned my call just a short time later and didn’t seem phased at all by my message. We set up the appointment as a trial to see if we might work well together.
WHY THERAPY? WHY NOW?
I have decided to finally start now for a number of reasons that relate to my vaginismus. Reasons that I need help to fully comprehend.
- My sexual past. I have had a complicated and not always pleasant one, which even if it has not ‘caused’ my disorder, has certainly made it much worse. I want to examine these events because as an individual who values history and the lessons it can teach the world, I think it is equally important to understand our own past in order to more fully understand our present and future life. This will also include looking into my relationships with ex-boyfriends, family and friends, and how they have both helped and hindered me on a romantic and sexual level.
- Along with the above I would like to search for an answer to “Why?” Why do I have vaginismus? Where did it come from? How can I maybe protect myself and others from experiencing the same kind of physical and emotional pain? There might not be concrete answers I can find, but these questions are always worth delving into.
- I want to be able to examine my own sexual opinions and how they are effected by society, others, and beliefs I have and will continue to encounter. I don’t always feel like the most sexually enlightened of people and I think many of my views are hindered by my own lack of sexual confidence. I am afraid of how my own opinions on sex may be offending myself or others. I want to reach a point where I feel comfortable with sexual content, and if this is not possible, to at least understand where my discomfort stems from, so that I can become more open, understanding, and supportive of others and myself.
THE APPOINTMENT
Riding up in the elevator today and then waiting at the door after ringing the bell I felt quite dorky and didn’t know exactly what to do with myself. This continued once in her office while I took off my back pack, coat, scarf, gloves, and hat with her waiting patiently. In the silence I wasn’t sure I would know how to begin speaking, but she started by asking me to explain how I had gotten her information and then whether I had any experience with therapy in the past.
Answer: I once tried to call a number in DC my mom had given me, but it turned out to be a clinic for eating disorders and the person was extremely dismissive on the phone. I then had an intake exam at my college, which resulted in nothing because after the two sessions they diagnosed me with mild bipolar, but said they actually weren’t able to give me a referral that would take my health insurance. I was informed that I would have to call my health insurance myself, making the whole process feel rather pointless. So I gave up.
This moved into how I found out about my vaginismus and into three of my past romantic relationships which are inevitably wrapped up in my disorder.
Answer: This is not a short one and will be covered in detail in upcoming blog entries.
Luckily my therapist has had a past patient with my disorder and I didn’t have to explain any logistics to her. Having to define a medical disorder to medical professionals has always felt very draining since I never feel that I have appropriately explained things, and in the best case scenario they interrogate me until they better understand, and in the worst case scenario they treat it all too lightly. I was relieved that I could avoid this scenario for once.
Overall I was surprised by just how easy this first session was. I guess that I have been waiting for the opportunity to open up in a judgement free place, since I had no trouble coming up with things to tell her.
For this session, and I assume for at least the next few, we focused mostly on communicating things about myself. The mere act of explaining these things (some of them from very long ago) to someone new, allowed me to reexamine them in a way that was nurturing and safe. It wasn’t easy and I feel pretty exhausted from the experience, but I also feel clearer and a little bit lighter. I have a hope that allows me to look forward to this journey.
Questions or comments about this entry? Feel free to reach out to me! mailto:healingvaginismus@gmail.com